Pain

I lost someone close to me almost a week ago. It appears that she was in the wrong place at the wrong time. Its been hard for me to try to figure out what I'm feeling. At times, I am angry and at times I am hurt. Just going over things... trying to answer some questions, and now that we have some details about what happened, it puts some things in perspective.

I realized how different people are, even by the way they grieve. There are some that are extremely strong, no matter what, they will not break down, will not let anyone in. And then there are those that break down and let it go, when they should and when they shouldn't.

After yesterday, I realized how strong I was. I was in a situation, where I was able to go to another place, and put what I know to be true about myself aside and do what is best for everyone. It was truly a remarkable realization. And after tonight, I was able to do it again, without hesitation. I will miss my departed one, but knowing that she was happy, and accepting, and content with how she lived, makes it easier. I wasn't as close to her as my sister was. And a little while ago, my sister lost someone else extremely close to her, so it was hard for me, to watch my sister grieve again. And I think that is what allows me to put my pain away and be okay. I know its going to hit eventually.

Death is something that everyone knows is coming. And some people expect it, so why are we sad when it comes? Is it that, we aren't going to see that person again, or that we are going to miss them? I didn't see her everyday, in fact the last time I actually saw her was about 3 weeks ago, of course I talk to her, but it was about, miscellaneous stuff. If I had of known that, that brief conversation would have been our last, what would we have talked about? About her son? About my kids? Who knows? So, that fact that I didn't see her everyday, why am I sad, that I"m not going to see her anymore? Am I sad, because that is the expected response? I can't even remember the last time I told her that I loved her, but hell she knew I did. I didn't know how much of an impact I had on her life, until I was told. If she had of told me herself, would our relationship had been better? Probably. Now that makes me angry and sad. Why do we realize these things afterwards. Because Death makes you think about it?

Its so final. My personal beliefs, allows me to know that there is an afterlife. So I can overcome my grief knowing that my cousin is there, along with my grandmother and Tupac.... her favorite rapper.