I read this line, in an email from a male friend. I was trying to explain love to my 10 year old daughter, and I realized that I forgot what love was, how it felt, smelled and tasted. I had to go back and remember my experiences with the phenomenon. I have been in love a couple of times... My first was stereotypical, sweet innocent and all of that. I was with RT from 6th grade to about the 10th grade, until the time it wasn't cool to have a boyfriend anymore. It was a traditional relationship, you know, he would walk me to my class, we would go to the movie on weekends, have dinner on Sunday's. All of that. I genuinely loved him. I still do, as you will learn later. He was more like my friend, than my boyfriend. He was always there, I can remember going for days, without talking to him, but when we saw each other, it was like we just left each other. We had so much in common, motorcycles, sports, foods. But then we grew up, and apart. We changed. But I loved him.
I played the field until my first year in college, where I met DG. He was so sweet, and nice. He was so understanding, it was sickening. He took me back after I cheated on him, three times. God, get a backbone! He was there for me through the basketball road trips, pledging a sorority. He was my friend as first, but then he became my confidant, my sounding board. When he didn't agree, I couldn't see past, that he should tell me what I want to hear, and not the truth. Man I was so immature. That was his only flaw, that he was too nice. He was very loyal, a quality I learned, that would become a requirement for my future relationships. I think that most of the things DG had, I really wanted in a man, but I just didn't' want him. What a mistake. After DG, I went back to RT, infact it was RT, with whom I cheated. Started something that we never got to start, (wink, wink!) Anyway, after RT was able to experience my new found woman hood, we were able to let go of each other, and truly move on. At least I thought. Cheating with RT, made me realize that I really had a good man, but I let him go. No, not RT, he was cheating on someone with me, by now, I had realized that if RT would cheat on his current girlfriend, then he would cheat on me, too. I meant DG. He would of done anything for me. And I realized that I really cared about him, I loved him, also.
Hurting DG, was really irresponsible. I believed he really loved me. I just wasn't on the same level as he was, I wasn't too sure of what I wanted from a man, so I used DA to experiment. He was younger than me so I felt I could control the situation. As it turns out, his maturity is what hooked me. He was intelligent, and mysterious. That intrigued me, so much that I almost married his ass. It was truly his mysteriousness, that kept me. We were together for about 4 years, and to this day, there are things, that I couldn't answer? It was exciting and carefree, until I got pregnant. Things changed, quick. Our families, were pressuring us to marry, ending my college hoops dreams. He joined the navy and I became the navy fiance... Yuck! We became so disgusted with each other, that I didn't' even care he cheated. Hell I'm was glad he did, so I took my baby (and the ring) and left. But I really loved him.
So I came back home, struggled for awhile and became lonesome, hooked up with RT( oh lawd) for a while, then I met this beautiful specimen. He was the most beautifullest man alive, he was so fine, that I didn't even care that he was a pathological liar, and had a drinking problem. TG, was so confident, and secure with him self, that he made me bounce back from my failed engagement and singlemotherhood, to become confident and positive. It was like fireworks, because as confident as he was, I quickly realized that it was an act. He was so insecure and jealous, that he didn't even trust his own brothers around me. But what was it that kept me with him. I have come to the conclusion that it was the freedom to do other things, (that is another blog) that kept me there. See by this time, I had evolved into a full fledged woman. And TG allowed me to control and be uninhibited, and that was like a drug. I was addicted, and he was too. By then, my daughter was about 4 or 5, so it was easy to be spontaneous and carefree. But it came at a cost. Having this control of one aspect, made me loose sight, control of other things. I was blinded by what I wanted to really see what was happening. TG was engaged to someone else, for the entire 3 and half years of our relationship. I don't' know how I did not see it, but I didn't. It gets worse, after I found out, I still continued to see him, until a near fatal crash, left him in the hospital and I came face to face to her. As he lay in the hospital, in a coma, and the family not letting me in to see him, I finally realized that I wasn't number 1. and that snapped me back to reality. The accident was serious, he almost died, for some reason, I thought it was love, but it wasn't, I chose to stay around. Being harassed by his sisters, his wife and whoever else, I got tired. After buying some guns and handling a few things, that passed. No no one got hurt...except me, because I really, really loved him.
so back to my single days. At the moment, I am still seeing RT, even though he is married with kids. Heck he was my first love. He always will be, but hey, love is a verb, isnt' it? So with all of that, what do I tell my daughter...
that Love is a verb, at least that is a start.
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